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I, Carolyn Joyce Allen-Lockett (Coach Carolyn), was married to the love of my life, Jerry Lockett Jr., for 36 years. Together, we built a life centered on faith, family, ministry, and purpose. Jerry was not only my husband but my best friend, partner, encourager, and greatest cheerleader. His death on July 11, 2018, changed the trajectory of my life and introduced me to a world I never expected to enter: widowhood.
As I struggled to survive the devastating loss of Jerry, I discovered that grief itself was not my only battle. I also encountered the expectations, judgments, comments, and subtle pressures of people who believed grief should look a certain way, last a certain amount of time, or eventually be put away.
I experienced pressure to move on when I was still learning how to live without the man who had shared nearly four decades of my life. I also learned that temporarily regulating my grief to meet the necessities of daily life, such as going to work or handling important responsibilities, was not grief-shaming. It was survival, while still honoring my grief. Over time, I realized there was something happening to grieving people for which I did not have a name. Then God gave me a name for this phenomenon: grief-shaming.
I use the term grief-shaming to describe what occurs when a grieving person is made to feel that their pain is excessive, inconvenient, inappropriate, or overdue when others, often unintentionally, communicate that grief should be managed, tempered, hidden, or suppressed rather than felt, processed, honored, witnessed by others, and embraced for a time.
What began as my personal struggle eventually became my calling: a mission to change the conversation surrounding grief and the way grieving people are understood, supported, and treated.
Ironically, Jerry saw the writer in me long before I recognized the power of my own words. He understood that I had a gift for putting words together in a way that touched people’s hearts, and he continually encouraged me to use it. His belief in me ultimately helped launch my 25-year career in proposal and technical writing.
The man who helped me discover my gift could never have known that one day I would use that very gift to write about losing him. Today, I use the gift Jerry first recognized in me to tell the story of our love, my loss, and the journey that followed, and to help other widows understand their grief, recognize grief-shaming, protect their right to grieve, and move toward healing.
Through my writing, the Unbreak My Heart movement, and the Widows of Destiny Community, I have transformed my lived experience of widowhood into advocacy. My mission is to advocate, validate, educate, and protect grieving people (especially widows) navigating grief-shaming, while helping them survive the loss, move toward healing, and ultimately thrive, without having to trip over grief-shaming every step of the way.
At the heart of my message is a simple but powerful truth: Every person's grief is UNIQUE, and we must honor that. Grief has no timeline, and no grieving person should be shamed for loving deeply enough to grieve deeply and authentically.
Grief-Shaming Stops Here!
Grieve Without Shame
You WILL Get Through This!
Have You Experienced Grief-Shaming?
Get the FREE Widow’s Grief-Shaming Checklist to Find Out.
What Happens Next?
Recognizing grief-shaming is the beginning, not the destination.
Inside the Unbreak My Heart movement and the Widows of Destiny community, you'll learn practical ways to respond when grief shows up, establish boundaries around other people's expectations, recognize when you're grief-shaming yourself, and learn my signature tools designed to help you care for yourself while you grieve.
The goal is NOT:
• To stop loving him.
• To stop talking about him.
• To stop feeling his absence.
• To stop remembering and laughing at something funny he told you.
• To erase the life you shared just because that life has changed
• To stop saying his name because someone else is uncomfortable hearing it.
• To become the woman you were before he died.
• To force your grief to fit someone else's box or timeline.
• To pretend you're okay for anybody else's comfort or expectations.
The goal IS:
• To learn how to give grief its rightful place without allowing it to dictate your journey and future.
• To give yourself permission to experience moments of joy without feeling that happiness somehow diminishes your love for him.
• To learn how to carry the love, the memories, and even the absence forward with you as you heal and survive the loss.
• To eventually discover how to live and thrive in the life that remains and become the new you that emerges. Stronger, Confident and Celebrating your Resilience.
• To learn how to recognize and resist grief-shaming so that someone else's discomfort, expectations, or imposed timeline does not interrupt, distort, or prolong your natural grieving process.
• To discover that moving forward does not require leaving him behind. The love you shared can remain part of who you are while you continue becoming who you are meant to be.
Two things can be true.
I can miss him and still have a wonderful day.
I can cry for him and laugh until my stomach hurts.
I can wish he were here and still be grateful for the life in front of me.
I can carry grief and experience joy.
I can love the life we had and learn to love the life I have now.
I can continue loving him while continuing to live.
You WILL get through this!
Let us start the conversation, educate our well-meaning family and friends on how grief-shaming hinders our grieving process and how to respond differently to widow’s grief.
You Don't Have to Walk Alone
Book Your Private Session Today
You don't have to navigate grief, or grief-shaming alone. When I lost my husband, I wish I had a resource like this to help me understand what I was experiencing and navigate everything that came with losing a spouse. I didn't have it then, so I created it for you.
It is my privilege to walk alongside my fellow widows as you learn to grieve on your own terms, find your footing in the painful fog of loss, and begin your journey from surviving to thriving—in your own time.
This private 1:1 session offers a compassionate, judgment-free space to talk openly about your loss, ask questions, identify what feels most overwhelming, together, we will your next steps and give you a real plan to manage your unique situation.
Whether you're struggling with widowhood, feeling pressured to “move on,” facing difficult decisions, rediscovering who you are after loss, or simply needing someone who is a widow who understands what you are going through, I will meet you where you are on your journey to help you.
What to Expect From Me
You'll receive validation, grief-shaming awareness, practical guidance, personalized resources, tools, and compassionate support designed to help you navigate your journey forward, without being rushed, dismissed, or expected to grieve on someone else's timeline.
What I Need From You
Come as you are, where you are and how you feel.
Your grief doesn't need anyone's permission.
Be ready to find what works to get you to a place of peace.
Grief-Shaming Stops Here
Grieve Without Shame.
Book Your Private Session
Take the First Step Toward Healing
Click the Link Below to Schedule your 60-minute 1:1 Grief Transformation Session.
Book Your Private Session Today
You may have experienced grief-shaming without realizing there was a name for what was happening. Use this free checklist to recognize the signs, identify how they may have shown up in your grief, and begin protecting your right to grieve authentically.